Around 12 weeks ago, staring at a positive pregnancy test, our lives dipped into the world of the completely new, completely unknown, scary beauty that is first time parenthood.  Even the most educated, most prepared woman really has no idea what the actual experience of growing a human inside of her is really like.  And for the most part, women and men, it is this….. You never really know what’s actually going on.  There are so many things that can send you into a complete google searching panic because of this vast unknowing.  Foods to eat, food to not eat, cramps that are normal, cramps that are scary, pulling, stretching, spotting, aches, emotions, nausea, the list cold go on and on. 

 The reality is that apart from the doctors visits, in which you experience the few sacred moments you can see or hear the life inside of you, you don’t know if everything is ok.  And for those that have ever lived in the all consuming reality of tragedy, loss and grief, that unknown can bring a fear that if left unattended can be completely debilitating.

And then events like today occur, where I wake up and realize I didn’t have to get up to pee 3 times last night.  Then it hits me, I haven’t been peeing every 2 hours for the last week!  Oh no! What does that mean?!?!  Before real google searching panic ensues, I walk into my kitchen and for the hundredth time this week the chickens have pooped in their food and kicked pine shavings all in their water AND I have no idea how to get them to stop.  

So I have a decision. Research something I can actually learn, know and solve or send myself into a panic about something I have very little control over.  The decision should be clear because the list of things that I actually have NO IDEA of how to do in this new life of mine is quite long:

…. plow a field, amend soil, layout a 10,000 sq ft garden!, decide which grow beds and lights our plants need, plant the hundreds of plants for that garden, get water to that garden, choose a safe way to keep weeds and moles from that garden, keep farm cats alive, disease free and apparently away from skunks that keep spraying them in the face, raise chickens, build a chicken coop, choose between a dog, a goose, or a donkey to guard our chickens, fix 25 acres of fencing, repair 50 year old wobbly floors……. the list could go on and on. 

 But the reality is, the fear of that which you can’t control is powerful and can access deep shadows of the unknown.  So today, in this moment, while peacefully watching insane chicks jump on each others heads I choose to let go of what I cannot control, to stop researching the potential meaning and risk of peeing less frequently and instead turn my list of “No Ideas” into “Things I learned how to do this year, while pregnant”.

Here’s a few things I can already mark off my list.

Make this old lovely memory filled place a home:)

plow 10,000 sq feet of land into soon to be garden

Burn things,

Build Fire Pits so we don’t burn important things,

Learn what a plow looks like,

and play with lots of other big toys

And all while learning to have a little one growing inside.